The Darkest Corner of My Mind
Conundrum as it surely is
When time and patience disagree
Yet compromise between the two
Appears submissive, unambitious
But convergence of two paths gives
Sometimes blissful stability
Our lines in time were running true
But some insidious force grew
From deep within my fettered mind
Where happiness appears unkind
Untrustworthy and disloyal
Love in here is great betrayal
Blind and robbed of my embodiment
The Iago of my mind in government
Darkness shadowed in a lightless place
Staring numbly in death’s lifeless face.
I wrote this poem on the damaging effects that depression and anxiety can have on relationships, obviously from my own experience, but I’m sure there’s other sufferers out there who know what I’m getting at. If social interactions depend on expression of mutual interest, then for someone who struggles to take an interest in being, this is as you might expect, nigh on impossible. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying I can’t engage in interesting conversation or ever experience ‘fun’. But to feel love and fail to express it, with all the limitations to relationships this brings, is I think the root cause of some of the most profound despair felt by many depressives. Of course the condition itself is in turn the cause of this failure, but the longing for mutual understanding with those closest to us is always an agonisingly impossible dream. We’d settle for a mere acceptance, what more can we expect or hope for? I wouldn’t wish my ailments on anyone, never mind my nearest and dearest. I think depressives are forced to compromise a lot in life, and gradually accepting these compromises can surely lead to a more tolerable existence. Finding a relationship which possesses a mutual ‘sixth sense’ of love without a demand for ‘normal’ levels of emotional expression, feels like a panacea at first. The dark corners of the mind are still there though, just repressed by new light and hope. They always creep back, swallowing optimism as they grow, and if the relationship suffers or breaks as a result, well it’s just unspeakable, indescribable.
Anyway as always your thoughts or experiences shared are greatly appreciated and encouraged. I’m sharing in the hope of inspiring others to do the same, or to increase the understanding of non-sufferers, that would be amazing and I’d love to know if so. Thanks for reading.