On the Arse of Time

On the Arse of Time

We are essentially the stuff that spews

From dying stars,

Walking colonies of billions of

Bacteria,

We’re born and live a while, and then we must

Deteriorate

For all to see,

If I ever lose my memory

I’ll just hide away in the country.

 

I’ll live Homo-neanderthalensis style

On rabbit stew,

Think of nothing, no one, not even of me and you,

My mind will be completely empty

And in this blissful solitude

I’ll spend my days,

Sucking up the Sun’s well-travelled rays.

 

We are so inconsequential

Individually,

Together anything is possible

Or at least nearly,

Our species’ existence is a mere follicle

On the arse of time,

Billions of creatures born and died

Within this rhyme,

Don’t kill or die for your beliefs,

I’ll live by mine.

(freewillisntfree.com)

Sonnet for Hope in Pain

Sonnet for Hope in Pain

Pride for you and shame upon myself

I hide from view and try to calm my mind

Symptoms of tormenting mental health

Force me to relive my other lives,

What could have been, and what is not to be

Failures of love, and friendships lost surround

My brain and pull the strings of ‘me’

Emotionally drained into the ground,

Can one pick one’s ‘self’ up while they’re falling?

If thrown a rope they must have light to see

And strength to climb back up towards the dawning

Of a new enlightened energy,

As long as my blood flows then there is hope,

That I can really live, not merely cope.

(freewillisntfree.com)

Where Happiness Appears Unkind

Where Happiness Appears Unkind

The Darkest Corner of My Mind

Conundrum as it surely is

When time and patience disagree

Yet compromise between the two

Appears submissive, unambitious

But convergence of two paths gives

Sometimes blissful stability

Our lines in time were running true

But some insidious force grew

From deep within my fettered mind

Where happiness appears unkind

Untrustworthy and disloyal

Love in here is great betrayal

Blind and robbed of my embodiment

The Iago of my mind in government

Darkness shadowed in a lightless place

Staring numbly in death’s lifeless face.

(freewillisntfree.com)

I wrote this poem on the damaging effects that depression and anxiety can have on relationships, obviously from my own experience, but I’m sure there’s other sufferers out there who know what I’m getting at. If social interactions depend on expression of mutual interest, then for someone who struggles to take an interest in being, this is as you might expect, nigh on impossible. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying I can’t engage in interesting conversation or ever experience ‘fun’. But to feel love and fail to express it, with all the limitations to relationships this brings, is I think the root cause of some of the most profound despair felt by many depressives. Of course the condition itself is in turn the cause of this failure, but the longing for mutual understanding with those closest to us is always an agonisingly impossible dream. We’d settle for a mere acceptance, what more can we expect or hope for? I wouldn’t wish my ailments on anyone, never mind my nearest and dearest. I think depressives are forced to compromise a lot in life, and gradually accepting these compromises can surely lead to a more tolerable existence. Finding a relationship which possesses a mutual ‘sixth sense’ of love without a demand for ‘normal’ levels of emotional expression, feels like a panacea at first. The dark corners of the mind are still there though, just repressed by new light and hope. They always creep back, swallowing optimism as they grow, and if the relationship suffers or breaks as a result, well it’s just unspeakable, indescribable.

Anyway as always your thoughts or experiences shared are greatly appreciated and encouraged. I’m sharing in the hope of inspiring others to do the same, or to increase the understanding of non-sufferers, that would be amazing and I’d love to know if so. Thanks for reading.

L